Public Service Announcement

Bless me father, it's been a whole four months since my last confession. Feckin' hell, it's so quiet in here. Been very busy hidden away in my stronghold, the Fortress of Bolloxchewed, getting on with my latest plans for world domination and what have you. In the meantime, I've started a new blog along with two other gnarly old bar stewards escapees from Hellhouse Hillhoose, by the name of A Hundred Thousand Years (a wee title for you fellow followers of the Knights In Satan's Service, yes ?). What's it all about, Alfie, I hear you cry ??? Moaning, mainly. And whingeing. And ranting. Three pissed off, torn faced old diddies, at war with the modern world - mad as hell, we're not going to take it any more, godammit!!! Yes, I hope you bloody well like it !

Anyhoo, I'll probs be posting in there a bit more than in here from now on. I'll still keep posting in this one every now and then, keeping the world informed of those important issues such as the vicissitudes of the lovely Super Noni's movie career, the current state of play in the world of underground, avant-garde drone metal, and the current clothing status of my lovely Teutonic neighbour. In other words, all the stuff that those two miserable bastids won't want me posting on the new one...

Righty-ho, that's me off to watch the Liverpool game on Sky - tho' given the dread word "Lucas" appearing on the Red's team sheet, I'm not sure I should bother...

Happy Fokker

Just back from the glorious Netherlands at the weekend. Roadburn Festival 2009, what a blast, absolutely the best rock festival I have ever been to, just wonderful in every way, from the weather to the venue to the vodka to the bands to the t-shirts to the talent to the heroic facial hair. Clearly such a fantastic country as well, 'tis a total pisser that I've eventually had to return...

I'm not going to waffle on as I'm getting a bit cheesed off with the whole blog update thingy, too bloody busy doing a billion other things. Don't know how those bastiches on Twatter have the patience to update the planet on the intricacies of their bowel movements when I can't be arsed filing a brief status report every coupla months. Anyhoo, here are my semi-salient recent observations...

• KLM's aeroplane of choice for GLA - AMS was a lovely little Fokker. No, Boardman, keep away, keep away !!! I'm so glad I finally got that DS. Big Bang Mini, World Championship Poker, and Tetris DS made the journey(s) mercifully quick.
  

• Holland is like some parallel alternate Scotland where the streets are clean, public transport is both utterly reliable and plentifully available, and the town centres seemingly aren't chock full of either gormless fucking automatons or vicious, sub-human chavscum. Cyclists are still ignorant, reckless cnuts (sic), though at least they are confined to their own specialist (as in special school) lanes where they can, in theory, only injure each other. Generally a wonderful place, I do so want to move there, really. Shame it'll be under the North Sea by 2030, niet goed.

• I spoke as much (little) Dutch as I dared but they are all so damned multi-lingual over there that they can't help but interrupt your struggle through Nederlands and happily continue on in English of a standard way more intelligible than that of 95% of the populace of Greater Glasgow. Indeed, I stopped all the spreekt u Engels stuff whenever I struggled as most folk I talked to looked offended at the thought that they might not speak English.

• Roadburn represents the boutique festival concept done right. Indoors, in a lovely venue like a three way between the Barras, the ABC and Embra Playhoose, well organised, safe and well catered, despite being totally sold out, there were no queues for the bars or the toilets, plenty of space to chill out for watching bands like Amon Duul II or Mono from a prostrate position (as directed by your general practitioner). I've wanted to go to it for years and now I want to go back every year. Bloomin' heck, Cathedral and Saint Vitus on the same bill, one after the other, where else is such a thing even possible ? Only way they could top that would be getting Trouble and Sabbath together - hey, a chap can dream, can't he ???
  

Righty ho, that's me shot my bolt (figuratively speaking) for now. Might be back for an update in three months. Or maybe not.

Twee kleine ijsberen, alstublieft !

Oh...my...goodness...can it be true ? Two more lovely ickle eisbärbabies being born in a zoo over in Holland, and me going on holiday over there in April ??? It's fate, I tell ya, fate !!!

Letmesee'emletmesee'emletmesee'emletmesee'emletmesee'emletmesee'em [slaps own face]

Ahem. Yes. One must attempt to retain one's essential dignity at times like this, don't you think ?

Letmesee'emletmesee'emletmesee'emletmesee'emletmesee'emletmesee'em [continues for another couple of hundred pages]

Gentleman's Quarterly (Spring Edition)

Well fork me gently, if it isn't another blog entry! Wowzers, that's a whole four this calendar year. Bah, very busy, too much going on, no time to waste, etc etc blah blah. Anyhoo, since the last dribbling of idiocy, here's a brief wee rundown of some of the unworthy observations that have come the big man's way...

• By jiminy, after seeing 'em again at the red shed back in Feb, I think the mighty Judas Priest might just be that one other old skool metal band that I love nearly as much as the Sabbath that is Black... Nearly, nearly, nearly, put down those burning crosses, I repent, I repent,I said nearly goddammit !!!
  

• My favourite noo skool metal band of the moment has to be Gojira. Saw them at the Classic Grand the other day and they were splendid. The devastating double bass drum attack of M. Duplantier was especially appreciated by my internal organs as they were re-dispersed throughout my shattered skeletal structure. Also, they really cleared my ears out no end, which was most welcome.

• Gosh, I spent some money (!) and invested in a lovely ickle lime green DS. I got given an R4 card as a pressie but haven't yet started on that promised (threatened?) game project so you can all come out from behind the sofa now.

• Bah, that old five word film review thing is just so 2008, don't you think ? I've been to see, oh, a square billion flicks since my last blog whinge. In fact, here are the classified results :

Gran Torino 2
The Reader 1


Punisher : War Zone 2
The Wrestler 5


Watchmen 1
Franklyn 2


Anvil! The story of Anvil 4
Slumdog Millionaire 4


Shock result for the unfancied Franklyn there against the expensively put together Zack Snyder side. Game of the round has to have been the Anvil / Slumdog match up, two fantastic performances from the small-time outfits, proof positive that you don't need to splash the cash to produce some real magic.

Wait, there's one more late, late result just coming in on the vidiprinter...


Star Wars Prequel Trilogy -32
The Matrix Trilogy -3426


Desperately poor performance from both sides there, Gary. In fact, I'd go as far as to say we were offered up a double dose of shit hanging from a stick, If you will pardon my French, Lawro.

Phew, that's better, glad to get that crap off my not insubstantial 36DD chest. Best lie down now for another three months before the next vomit.

Mad Mental Mario

In a belated follow-up to that wee video of Monty Mole that I linked to a long while back, I thought I would post something utterly fantastic that I stumbled across the other day...



By jiminy, there is clearly nowhere near enough of that kind of thing being made in the world today, something that I intend to redress imminently with my own re-creation of Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Naked German Art Students. You have been warned !

Better late than never

Two belated things that I really ought to have mentioned in dispatches from the previous couple of weeks. First of all, muchly enjoyed the BDO darts on the Beeb, especially the title win from Ted "The Count" Hankey, the man with what is, quite frankly, the best walk on in darts...



The other thing, sadly, was to mourn the loss of the mighty Ricardo Montalban, whose passing prompted nerds all over the world to simutaneously grab their communicators (?!) and angrily proclaim Khaaan!!!!!!!!!!!*

*Actually, I looked up at the sky while crossing the squinty bridge, stopped and shouted "Boss, the plane! the plane!" to much bemused indifference. Bah, fucking philistines...

High Resolution(s) (Mode 2)

What can I say, seems that it's the time of year again to make public my resolutions for the coming annus mirabilis in a desperate attempt to shame myself into just possibly keeping some of them... which actually seems to have bloody well worked last year as, miraculously, I was a really good boy and somehow kept all of of the buggers (yes, every single last fecking one of 'em!). Yippee-ki-ay, melon farmers !!! So, suitably emboldened, it's once more into the breach, etc...

1. I must avoid buying an iPod. My loyal old Creative Zen is finally dying on its well proportioned backside after four years and one feckless drop from a great height too many. Much like myself, the short term memory is fecked (it doesn't "remember" what track that you'd last listened to in the current playlist when you shut it down) and it is crashing with increasingly alarming regularity. Rats. Now, I've generally always regarded the Apple offering as a beautiful looking but hideously overpriced trend junkie plaything... however, my mate Stevo at work got himself an iPod Touch for his Christmas and, frankly, in the flesh it is a glorious beast to behold, incredibly easy to use and oh, so pretty. Must... resist... must... resist... must.. resist... (actually, let's face it, given that not doing so would involve Uncle Mex possibly spending money in some form, this is probs a very safe bet to get kept, I'd say)
   
   
2. Learn to schpeak (a little) Dutch. Yesch, of coursch! In April, I'm heading over to the Roadburn Festival in Tilburg, the premier Doom / Stoner metal boutique gathering in Europe (nay, the world!). Yee-ha ! Saint Vitus and Cathedral on the same bill ??? You betcha ! Crikey, I might even put in an appearance on the Thursday to see Amon Düül II if I can be, erm, bothered (funnily enough, I am expecting some feelings of über relaxed lethargy over there... in Holland... at a stoner rock festival. And I think my short term memory problems might just, somehow, be related... hmmm, any ideas, dear readers ???). Anyways, I know they all speak Englisch over there (exshept Schteve, obviouschly) but I'd like to go to just one of these countries without being an ignorant arse, for once, and make some kind of positive effort.


3. Write another bloody game... possibly even on a DS! Given the wonderful worldwide reception of contemptuous apathy for my blessed ickle Columns game, I'm going to do another one. I've still got tentative plans about doing some kind of shooter but will probs crap out and stick to, yes, a colour/shape-based puzzler. Not going to do it in Delphi or Python this time, tho'... I'm toying with the idea of doing it for the DS and may have to resort to C, C++ (oh, balls), or even, ulp, assembly... (anyone got a spare ARM946E-S manual handy ???).
   


4. Make easy money from "The Power" kicking a$$! Jeez, what did I tell you folk, it's like buying feckin' money. Don't say I haven't shared my simple wisdom with you. Mr Taylor is head, shoulders and torso above the opposition. As Raymond van Barneveld (five times world champion himself, world no.2 and someone regarded by Sid Waddell as the second greatest dart player of all time) put it, "I don't know what to do to beat this guy - I'm practicing ten hours a day but it obviously isn't enough". We shall not see his like again. So weigh in while he's still interested.
   

Aye, that'll do for starters. Keep on rocking in 2009, pop pickers !

Made with the help of -

Mogwai "The Hawk is Howling" - My mostest favouritest track on this whole elpee is called "Danphe and the Brain". Must be a typo. They say Danphe, I say Daphne. Danphe ? Daphne ! Daphne ??? Danphe !!! Let's call the whole thing off !