Gentleman's Quarterly (Spring Edition)

Well fork me gently, if it isn't another blog entry! Wowzers, that's a whole four this calendar year. Bah, very busy, too much going on, no time to waste, etc etc blah blah. Anyhoo, since the last dribbling of idiocy, here's a brief wee rundown of some of the unworthy observations that have come the big man's way...

• By jiminy, after seeing 'em again at the red shed back in Feb, I think the mighty Judas Priest might just be that one other old skool metal band that I love nearly as much as the Sabbath that is Black... Nearly, nearly, nearly, put down those burning crosses, I repent, I repent,I said nearly goddammit !!!
  

• My favourite noo skool metal band of the moment has to be Gojira. Saw them at the Classic Grand the other day and they were splendid. The devastating double bass drum attack of M. Duplantier was especially appreciated by my internal organs as they were re-dispersed throughout my shattered skeletal structure. Also, they really cleared my ears out no end, which was most welcome.

• Gosh, I spent some money (!) and invested in a lovely ickle lime green DS. I got given an R4 card as a pressie but haven't yet started on that promised (threatened?) game project so you can all come out from behind the sofa now.

• Bah, that old five word film review thing is just so 2008, don't you think ? I've been to see, oh, a square billion flicks since my last blog whinge. In fact, here are the classified results :

Gran Torino 2
The Reader 1


Punisher : War Zone 2
The Wrestler 5


Watchmen 1
Franklyn 2


Anvil! The story of Anvil 4
Slumdog Millionaire 4


Shock result for the unfancied Franklyn there against the expensively put together Zack Snyder side. Game of the round has to have been the Anvil / Slumdog match up, two fantastic performances from the small-time outfits, proof positive that you don't need to splash the cash to produce some real magic.

Wait, there's one more late, late result just coming in on the vidiprinter...


Star Wars Prequel Trilogy -32
The Matrix Trilogy -3426


Desperately poor performance from both sides there, Gary. In fact, I'd go as far as to say we were offered up a double dose of shit hanging from a stick, If you will pardon my French, Lawro.

Phew, that's better, glad to get that crap off my not insubstantial 36DD chest. Best lie down now for another three months before the next vomit.

Well, I don't know much about art, but...

Amazing the oddities you stumble over on yon new fangled interweb thingy. Couldn't tell you a great deal about who these chappies are or what they might even sound like but such a loving re-creation of a pretty darn obscure late sixties / early seventies Sabbath promo photo session is more enough to pique Uncle Mex's interest. Very possibly (okay, probably) setting myself up for an evening of highly pretentious, pseudo-situationist guff of the first ordure in the company of a platoon of beard strokers but, hell, I might just pop my head in to the ABC on that night, methinks...

Also, loosely continuing on the old art school trip, I got sent a very nice link the other day with a lovely wee comic starring a blessed giant squid, no less. Hell, ya gotta take your thrills where you can get 'em, that's what I always say...

Made with the help of -

snd "stdio" - Makes me want to go up the art school every Saturday night and get utterly hammered listening to repetitive beats until three in the morning. Except when there's good boxing on t'telly via Setanta, of course - I nearly had some dough on big Enzo, as well... phew!

Christmas Leftovers

Hey-ho, howzitgaun ? Hope everyone out there has had a most excellent year and been well rewarded for being such good boys and girls. Thought I'd end the year with a few random observations from the Christmas period. More of the usual odds-and-sods rubbidge that you've all come to know and love, why change a winning formula, et cetera...

1. I've really enjoyed watching Polar Bear Week with Nigel Marven (wow, what a bolt from the blue, eh?) but I couldn't help noticing something familiar about the main man...


Oh, you don't think so ? Well, it's all too easy to crit there siticizing... (sorry)

2. Went to see "I am Legend" at the flicks the other day and it was mostly bloody marvellous. Surprisingly thoughtful and restrained in tone for the first three quarters or so, intelligent and un-Hollywood like, and a good few divisions above the no-brainer shoot-'em-up b-movie fate that I feared it might have been heading for when reading of it's troubled development over the years. In fact, it turned out (mainly) to be less an action movie, more a meditation on the central character's desperate attempts to stay sane in the face of the starkest isolation possible... with the revelation of big Willie nailing his role down as easily as cracking open a can of cold beer. That lad is a proper actor, yet he can still somehow bring through his old Fresh Prince likeability and have it as just another string to his bow, not the credibility millstone it might have been. Yes, in fact, he was even better than Chuck in The Omega Man. High praise indeed from this particular seventies sci-fi nut, believe me...

The subtle CGI for the empty, overgrown New Yoik setting was astonishing, utterly convincing from the get-go, a prime example of the sfx field at its very apex - sadly the work done on the infected "zombies" when they eventually surfaced was the diametric opposite, rubbery, unreal, cut-and-paste baddies (who all shared exactly the same f***ing face, jeez, this is 2007 FFS!!!) which never once threatened to look like they were ever real, individual, human beings in the way the story demanded, putting the kibosh on any of the unsettling undercurrents that the audience is supposed to feel in this sub-genre (say, the "they're coming to get you Barbara" Johnny moment when he comes back near the end of "Night of the Living Dead"). In fact, the whole thing did finally head out of the door in the rush to the usual generic, action packed climax - we couldn't really expect a movie of this epic budget to hold back the barbarians of idiocy from the door for the whole duration. But, thankfully, they didn't fully sell out on the ending. It deserved that at least. I just wish that the old Johnny Depp as Ben Cortman rumour had been true. I'd certainly buy that for a dollar...

3. I didn't succumb and buy a Wii but the potential of the kind of thing shown below makes me hope the big N will continue to hand $ony and M$ their collective a$$e$ in 2008. I implore you to watch this, honestly. Bottled brilliance.



Anyhoo, folks, I'm off to watch "The Third Man" - all the best in 2008... Slàinte Mhath !!!

Deaf Sentence

Had another brammer of a time last week, went down south to catch a few concerts and generally doss about. What did I learn on my travels ?

1. There's a street in Lambeth with two (yes, two!!!) Greggs the bakers on it! I was so unnerved that I bought myself two sausage rolls and one chocolate doughnut, a potentially fatal inversion of the sacred order. If you're still able to read this, I'd guess the universe hasn't collapsed in on itself quite yet.
   
   
2. The Imperial War Museum is a truly wonderful thing... but sadly confirmed to me the continuing development of a worrying fascination with, erm, old buses... hmm...
   
   
3. Saw Control at the flicks and was definitively reminded that the lovely Alexandra Maria Lara is very much in the running for being my third favourite (adopted) German...
   
   
4. Neil Peart is the only drummer in the world who punters come back from the bar to watch perform his solo spot... (oh, and Rush are still a magnificent live band).
   
   

Anyways, what I really went down there to see was this :



Don't quite know if it was the loudest thing I've ever heard - the Moggies and Sunn 0))) are damn good competition - but it was pretty intense nonetheless. Still didn't get around to visiting that giant squid, tho'... for shame!

That Was The Week That Was

Up The Hoops!

Way-hey! Last week was a bit of a brammer, got up to loads of different things under cover of (at times) some very nice weather. Off work for most of it as well, splendid.

• Started playing footy again last Monday and didn't make a complete arse of myself - many thanks to Breza, Paulo, Fraser et al for their kind attendance. Such care in the community schemes are virtually the only thing these days that can tempt the old fella away from his sofa, the neighbour, and the binoculars...

• Continuing on a football theme, Accies are still unbeaten atop the first division as I type with a mightily impressive 100% record. At last the bookies are now taking them seriously as title contenders but not before old Uncle Mex got his foot in the door at 14-1... Would gladly have toddled along to see them ride Thistle at Firhill last Saturday but was otherwise engaged (q.v.). Also, apparently a couple of clubs from Glesga did quite well during the week and qualified for some European league thing but I'm not quite up to speed on junior football so we'll say nowt more, eh ?
  

• Was in London on Wednesday helping some friends out with research (not on Labrador cloning, Dave) that they were doing but somehow managed to make a total balls up of my main mission... visiting the giant squid on display at the natural history museum. Bugger! I'm going down again to see Rush in October so will have to make a date with it then... what? Stop that laughing at the back!

• Saw a fantastic little movie at the GFT last Thursday, Daft Punk's Electroma. Beautifully shot retro futuristic weirdness with zero dialogue, a DP special wacked-out ambient electro disco soft rawk pastiche soundtrack, and rampant echoes of Westworld abounding. Skimpy little plot, and probably a little too long but I'm so glad I caught it. Modern Sci-fi cinema needs a bolt from left field to kick it up the bracket...

Connect Four

Went to the Connect festival on Saturday up at Inverary Castle by Loch Fyne. Different type of thing from my usual festival attendance habits... but, I have to say, it really was utterly blooming ace. What a fantastically beautiful venue for starters. The weather was a bit single fish but the setting looked arguably all the better for it, the moments of gloom giving off that classic old Scottish melancholic feel with the mist rolling in over the green hills. The crowd was pretty damn cool as well, a healthy mix of gender and ages with a lovely benign and friendly feel about it - T in the Park without the wankers, as one wag on the bus put it. Huge amount of gorgeous indie chicks in attendance, always a good thing for the general ambience. A seriously well laid on event, too, plenty of interesting festival stalls, a great (and wide) selection of food and bevvy, and close proximity to the beautiful little village on the shores.

Anyway, I ostensibly went to see the Moggies near the top of the bill at the end of the night... and they were pretty feckin' sensational as they always are, tho' the outdoor setting didn't really help them out in their mission of quiet-loud-quiet-loud aural destruction as the wind and rain and wide open spaces do tend to get in the way (BTW, much thanks must go to the lovely young folk standing beside me who kindly passed me the bong helped keep the spirits high during the set). Anyway, they were worth the admission price on their own if you ask me so everything else was a bonus...

For the rest of the time, I caught a good old mix of a few other different sounds as well while I was up there. The Divine Comedy were most entertaining and pretty funny to boot, Four Tet with Steve Reid in the dance tent was fairly, erm, interesting (and at least some of the time in a good way), and the Rilo Kiley were way better than I expected any relatively recent NME cover stars to be- I have to say at this point that their lovely singer Jenny has a really great voice and a marvellous set of pins, always a winning combination for me...

Anyway, if it's on next year, I will be back, it's an absolute must. Christ, if they could just huckle King Crimson or Can onto the bill, I'd be in absolute hog heaven. Seriously.

Made with the help of -

Black Sabbath "Asbury Park 1975" (Bootleg) - A glorious racket for playing while on a bus, on the A83, at two o'clock on a Sunday morning. Perfect.

The Bam Flies Down (On) Old Trafford Way

Flew down to Manchester on Saturday, on a nice wee de Havilland Dash 8, no less - thankfully the weather was nice, those ickle prop planes don't half move around when a wind gets up. Anyhoo, I was going down to see G*n*s*s at Old Trafford so wasn't all that worried about the prospect of hitting the ground at 500mph and meeting a fiery death. After all, I had the Drum Duet to "look forward" to. Yes, I was trying not to look forward at all - mucho "what the f*** were you thinking, ya big fud" moments ever since I bought the tix. Oh dear...

However, things got much better once I got down there. The weather was scorching hot, the hotel was a little beauty and the folk I met down there were all pretty damn top notch - those folk from oop north are the salt of the earth, they really are. Plenty of Scots around as per usual, adding to the healthy bonhomie you find amongst groups of balding old fart proggers of all persuasions. What a magnificent stadium, I have to say. Enormous. I was up in the gods back in the east stand facing the stage and had a good, if somewhat distant, view of the proceedings. Heck, as a theatre of dreams it maybe even trumps the mighty Douglas Park but, hey, let's not get too carried away here...

Well, what about the band then ? Er, um, they were pretty damn good, actually. Not enough old stuff for the big man's liking, of course, but it was all rather pleasant, mucho well played light prog goodness abounding. Old Phil really is a talented little fella and should be highly praised for the services he's done for the standing of baldy auld bawbags all across the world. Not a great deal of Peter-era stuff, sadly, or even much old Phil stuff - although they played Ripples and Los Endos from my favourite album (which at least gave me a cheap thrill) most of the set was Duke onwards as wearily expected. Ho hum. I did find my mind wandering during the longueurs to visions of the stadium filled to the brim on a normal business day to watch ManYoo stuffing seven past Roma or going toe to toe with the real Reds. Now that would have been something to savour. But, ultimately, the Genesis lads did all right in the end (there, I can even bring myself to type their name!). I know what I like (in their back catalogue). And at least they didn't play anything off Abacab, right ???

Made with the help of -

Justice "†" - I'm still down with the kids, I tell ya. Anyways, how could I not like a band that plays in front of a giant, illuminated cross ???

Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it infamy!

In tribute to my old mate iKon, who very kindly sent me a stack of Heroes episodes the other day (feckin' brilliant work, old boy, cheers!), I thought that I would post a link to something a bit obscure (and, frankly, cool as f**k) that I've stumbled across via the fabulous tv cream site, something which I'm sure will be well appreciated... Kenneth Williams presenting Wogan! No, really. Just take a look at this...

Marvellous stuff. Takes one back to the days when the old goggle box wasn't quite so dominated by gurning, talentless fuckwits of all stripes... hmm, must be showing my age :-(

Nothin' but Trouble...

My first pilgrimage of the year last Monday. A trip down to the holy city of Wolverhampton to see the legendary Trouble at the Civic Hall. Well, the Civic Hall bar actually. Curse all you trend pandering, false metal felating bastards that would let such an iconic band be forced to resort to changing down venue from the Wulfrun Hall to the bloody bar of the big venue next door. Grrr. Anyways, said venue wasn't all that small, actually, being sized halfway between, say, the ABC 1 and the ABC 2 in Glasgow. Not exactly packed out, either, but then again Doom metal never was big box office (apart from, well, you know who). You're into it for the love of the damn thing.

None of that matters anyway. The band themselves were simply magnificent. Tighter than a constipated gadfly, heavier than four dozen buffalo stampeding on your cranium, louder than the coming apocalypse, yada yada yada. Have I really been waiting nearly twenty years to see them live? Brrrrrr. They ran the full gamut of their material, all the way back to the oldest, slowest, most funereal stuff right through the Jimi / Zep styled era of the mid nineties and then on to some new material which sounded super heavy in the old fashion - not that anyone will be buying it, sadly. I had heard that they will be on the same bill as Heaven and Hell on at least one festival line-up in Europe this summer. Probably in a land where the mullet is the official national tonsorial style - just a shame I can't afford the requisite hair weave.

Have to say that I really like Wolves the town. The lovely folk from the Midlands are generally pretty damn cool IME and you always get a nice bit of conversation with them, especially when they find they are talking to a Scot. Funnily enough, the town centre, to me, actually looks a lot like, erm, Hamilton... without the omnipresent shell suited, semi-human garbage polluting the shared psychic head space, obviously. Lots of great buildings with some beautiful architecture, especially the art gallery and St Peters church. Just, y'know, old-fashioned nice. I like old-fashioned nice. Defo worth a visit, I'd say.

A good Rogering...

Nipped down to London at the weekend to see Roger Waters at the Floydian spiritual home of Earls Court. What a fantastic concert venue, much better than any of the faceless, plastic, 10,000+ seat sized arenas that I've visited over the years... I'd forgotten just how splendid it was after seeing the other three amigos there back in '94 when I was a mere slip of a lad. What a super posh, ultra-exclusive area of the city as well, very pleasant indeed. Unlike the drunken crowd of scouse gits that inevitably sat in front of the big man during the show, singing along loudly at the most inappropriate moments, getting up every five minutes to get their beers in or go and take a piss, usual boorish nonsense from ignorant fuckwits - IME, there has always been that thin strata of the Floyd audience coming from the chav demographic... something to do with the drugs methinks. Anyway, they didn't quite manage to ruin the gig for the old fella - jolly(!) Roger saved the day by playing wall to wall (tee hee, see what I did there?) old stuff all the way for a good three hours (with a twenty minute break in the middle), including the whole of Dark Side in the second half, in order, from start to finish with old Nick Mason on the drum stool. Marvellous. Must give props to the twin guitars of Dave Kilminster and Snowy White channelling Gilmour with much aplomb. Good work fellas. Yes, a lovely night all round.

A nerf-herder in a nest of gundarks...

As I mentioned before, Kling Klang were playing the Sub Club as part of the annual (fantastic) TripTych festival and the big man here had a ticket. Splendid. And so they were. Not loud enough (never loud enough) but they still managed to dig out plenty of high octane, synth powered, sludgy riffage. Which I like, of course. The none-more-cool indie kids posed at the bar and looked generally disinterested as the big man tried hard to resist head banging along (jeez, I do miss the long hair - or, indeed hair full stop - at times like that). The band themselves were an odd looking bunch of scallies. The (excellent) drummer in particular looked like the ginger bastard offspring of Jarvis and Mark E. Smith. Hmmm. Much hirsuteness all round, too. Always did approve of a high beardy weirdy quotient in my favourite bands.

BTW, Paulo if you're lurking, I did get a few kind words about my bright yellow Marvel superheroes t-shirt... tho' sadly not from any of the aforementioned none-more-cool indie ladies present... :-(

Anyway, here are a few other recent observations from the past week...

• Staggered in after the gig, turned on the goggle box and fumbled my way over to Kerrap TV... only to be presented with the ungodly sight of the bleedin' Ordinary Boys gurning through their one and only hit for two insufferable minutes... Yeeeuchh... Just what the fuck is going on with that frigging channel /magazine / emo jizz rag these days ???

• So, tell me, just how long has Will Ferrell been playing HellBoy ??? (Yes, I am continuing to mine the comedy gold of the old Private Eye stylee look-a-like name/picture swap... cheers). Can't accuse this blog of not being environmentally friendly given they way I continually recycle old content...
  

• I have been really enjoying watching Goalissimo of a late evening to catch the ever entertaining South American fitba' among other things... however, it can get a little hairy with the player names after the odd late libation or two. For example, the other day I was 100% sure that Boca Juniors' star striker was actually named Fellatio - yes, naturally, he went down far too easily and his technique really sucked. Ho ho ho. And I was also pretty damn sure that Sao Paulo had a guy named Chewy playing up front for them... Yeah, laugh it up, fuzzball...

Who the hell are you ?

Watched that first episode of the new Doctor Who series last night. I had previously tuned right out of the whole re-birth thing mid-way through the second series after finally getting sick of Billie the vampire slayer, "good old London taaaan", the whole fucking Tyler family, and the sickly notion of a 900 year old Time Lord leching over some practically adolescent girly jailbait (just try and visualize, dear reader, ol' William Hartnell making Bambi eyes at Rose for two series on the trot to get things into proper perspective - yeeuch). It started off well, certainly, with the mildly unhinged Mr Eccles-cake at the helm, but towards the end it all seemed to rapidly degenerate into a hi-tech Hollyoaks with (nicely rendered) Cybermen - pretty vacant, no fun, never mind, it's bollocks (ed. - up the Pistols!).

Nah, I wasn't having it. Especially as I'd been watching wall to wall Pertwee and Baker classics at the same time which, in fair consideration, frankly still smack the bottom of the modern young upstart attempts, regardless of any piss-poor effects and ropey costumes or sets from back in the day. That stuff's all just gloss anyway, the feel is the real thing... that whole alien weirdness of the old skool Who which has been practically posted missing in the brave new Russell T era. At first I thought it was over exposure to sci-fi on telly and at the flix that made the new stuff look too comfortable and too grounded in the familiar... but revisiting the 70's stuff again gave lie to all that. All the post-modern awareness and self referencing in the world can't disguise the lack of otherness in the soul of the new breed. Back when I was a mere padawan, I was never quite sure whether the Doctor was really a good guy or a bad guy such was Tom Baker's barking, goggle-eyed lunacy - to this day I've still got visions of him as a giant flippin' cactus. Maybe it was the regular mix of outside broadcast film and cheapo, studio-based vt which added something intangible and unsettling to the mix. Maybe it was the burbling oddness of Dudley Simpson's incidental music. I can't quite put my finger on it. I'll stick my neck out and suggest setting the vast majority of stories (certainly for Tom) in oddball alien environments instead of, say, down town fucking Cardiff certainly helped out with the pesky science fiction bit that us nerds are rather keen on...

Anyway, the new one... well, it seems to have started off a fair bit better already. I do like Dr Tennant and think he's got the acting chops to really make the grade if the material is up to snuff. The effects are pretty damn excellent yet again, maybe even a step up from the last couple of runs so at least it should continue to look the part. Yes, the new assistant is pretty damn lovely (Uncle Mex sez black is always the new black but that's whole other blog entry) but at least they seem to have started off with a different kind of relationship than the previous gurning luv-in. I just hope we don't have to see the assistant's extended family every other frigging week like last time. I'll keep giving it a chance, I think. At least I've always got "The Robots of Death" to turn to if things go tits up (Christ, Russell Hunter, you don't get special guests like that these days... )

Made with the help of -

Einstürzende Neubauten "Kollaps" and "Halber Mensch" - a bunch of shouty German blokes with power tools making a quite horrendous racket... bloody great :-)

Hmm, seems to be quite a Germanic feel to this blog lately... which sounds like something I'd like to give the lovely neighbour but never mind...

You need coolin'...??? Oh Lord yeah !!!

Yes, daft as a box of frogs but pretty darn close to genius. This is top drawer canine cojones, the kind of utter gonzoid brilliance that justifies the whole mash-up shooting match in four minutes of colossal riffage...

Oh Lord Yawn - Uncle Mex's Albums of 2006

Greetings music lovers! Yes, I'm finally getting around to posting that "best of 2006" albums list that I promised a couple of posts back. Er, it seems that the whole notion somehow got lost in the midst of the traditional new years alcoholic stupor - mea culpa. So, please bear with me while I disappear up my own fundament and indulge some of my frustrated wannabe Melody Maker scribe fantasies and get all Lester Bangs on yo ass. Only a top five, once again - and why not?

Black Mountain - Black Mountain

Said on the tin Neil Young meets Sabbath by way of "Animals"-era Floyd. Well, I'd certainly buy that for a dollar. In fact, I did buy that for a dollar (or, erm, ten). And they weren't kidding. Saw them at the ABC and they were pretty damn sweet live. Has to be said, heroic levels of facial hair, even the women (er, well I was very, very drunk).

Mogwai - Mr Beast

Moggies on auto-pilot, frankly, but still good enough for old Mex - in fact, Glasgow Mega-Snake would have got this one 5 Ks in Kerrang on its own if anything to say about it I had, young padawan. Saw them live at the Albert Hall (no less) last autumn and it was just about the best f***ing thing that I have ever seen. Really. Sounded like sticking your head in an aircraft engine as the afterburners kick in - something Uncle Mex himself tried one time in days past but we won't go there.

Boards Of Canada - Trans Canada Highway E.P.

Not a full album but this is my bloody list so bollocks to the lot of you. This is more of the same dreamy, ethereal, yada yada "intelligent techno" (barf!) that they've been peddling for a good few years now. Like most folk who listen to it, I also find it taking me right back to school television circa 1978. A good thing I'm sure you would agree (right???). Don't care about them covering the same old ground every year. Another ten along exactly the same lines would suit me, thanks.

Swan Island - The Centre Will Hold

Stumbled across this one whilst searching Google news one morning for new scriptures from my God(s) - it's amazing the number of tenuous links made to the dark lords by desperate writers covering any band who peels off the odd palm-muted, (slightly) down-tuned riff or two. Hmm, don't see it myself from these ladies but this is a wee gem nonetheless. Sounds to these jaded ears like a new wave band having a bash at classic rock - say Blondie playing, erm, Bachman Turner Overdrive. But so much better than that, honestly.

Sunn O))) - Black One

Moves like a supertanker crossing the Arctic Circle on a particularly stormy midwinter's night. Slow slow, quick quick, slow. Without the quick quick. Seismic detonations at the bass end of the scale running at 16 and a half rpm - at a push. Jeez, I've been waiting on this kind of stuff all my miserable life. Saw them twice at the ABC last year and both times they did a better clear out job on my bowels than a steam powered hydrochloric acid enema - another Uncle Mex speciality that will be discussed at a later date (or maybe not). All told, not for everyone.


Well, how do you like them apples ? Admittedly, this whole nerd list creation thing is probably just another manifestation of my inner Aspergers geek-need to order and categorize every little thing I come across - hmm, that might just be another wee list to ponder...probs keep that one to myself, thankyouverymuch. Anyways, same again same time next year - super.

Yippee-Ki-Yay ! Uncle Mex's Movies of 2006

Hey-ho, it's that time of year again when I decide to bore all lurkers out there with my opinions on the best popular culture offerings I've seen this year (BTW, listing the sight of that lovely neighbour in the altogether almost counted as my favourite art installation but I've resisted the temptation to include it). Anyhoo, I'm kicking off with my favourite films of the year - it could have been a top fifty given that I'm in there every bloody week but seeing as I'm not being paid for this shit, let's press on with a top five. Disappointingly mainstream list this year as well but the indies did absolutely zip for me so fully deserve the dustbin of historical ignominy (Little Miss Sunshine, The Squid and the Whale for just two of 'em - double order of meh with meh on the side). Anyhoo, let's get on with it. The best five. Erm, that I can remember at any rate. Not in any order either.

1. Casino Royale - If Dan Craig actually had a face like a welders bench, it would be better than the one he's got now. That's a good thing, BTW. He looks like a proper hard bastard and it wasn't a stretch to see him seriously knock seven shades out of generic heavies the way it was with old Remington Steele in the tux. And they binned the invisible f***ing Aston as well, thank Geezer.

2. Enron : The Smartest Guys in the Room - Don't know if this was a 2006 movie but I saw it this year so it's going in. Sensational documentary, among the best I've ever seen. Not much else to say. Beautifully made, funny and very frightening.

3. Pan's Labyrinth - As good as everyone says it is. Bizarre, glorious shotgun wedding of, erm, Hellboy and Land and Freedom. But better, much better, than that sounds. Words don't do it justice so I'll STFU save for recommending it wholeheartedly.

4. Superman Returns - Yup, I did like this one. The lad Routh did a good job channelling the great Mr Reeve, it was all put together with a grand, old school look about it, and it genuinely felt like a real Superman movie. Hope this re-starts the franchise. Please.

5. A Scanner Darkly - Probably the most faithful PKD adaptation ever to make the cut (though I'd still like to see that Gilliam Ubik fanboy fantasy come to life). Jeez, I think Keanu is finally getting the message. Minimalism. Don't act, you can't. Play it all down. Just be yourself as a starter. If you've got nothing else in the locker (news just in, no you haven't) stick with the simplicity. Given that old Bob Arctor is a total stoner, that ain't a stretch for you Bill so don't sweat it. Following Constantine, that's two in a row of his I've managed to sit through without wanting to fly over to LA and gouge his f***ing eyes out. Good work fella.

Oh, and BTW the sainted Noni is in this as well and is obviously gorgeous, wonderful and worthy of some kind of award - I'd certainly give her one (oh dear, have I said something wrong ?)


Right, that's enough from me. City of God is about to come on telly. Anyways, joy of joys, my favourite albums list for 2006 will be right up shortly! Yes, be still your beating f***king hearts.