Another Tour de Wanker handed his arse (nearly)...

Grrr, bloody cyclopaths, bloody cyclopaths, don't ya just hate the dirty, filthy bastids ??? Lycra clad, novelty condom-headed, attention seeking, botty botherers the whole damn lot of 'em, battering along whatever random road/pavement/short pier (I wish) their tiny, malformed minds have stumbled onto, pedalling away intently, perched precariously on their dildo seat with absolutely no friggin' regard for either their fellow road users or any luckless pedestrians unfortunate enough to get in their gormless way, still less any sign of a fundamental grasp on those more difficult abstract concepts such as the highway code or even basic fucking signalling. I detest the implied wearing of their green credentials on their £200 Gore-Tex sleeves - if you're really so fucking ecologically aware, why not bin your waste-of-metal wank chariot and donate its fetid remains for more productive use in building corrugated roofs on mud huts in [insert generic central African country name] ? Funny how as soon as a wee tiny speck of rain is in the air of a weekday morning, the Kelvin walkway is magically cleared completely of the knob gobblers, who have all seemingly fucked off back to the safety of their preposterous four by fours. Jesus wept. If you really want to save the world and stay fit, use shank's pony you posing bastards.

Yes, I did have a run-in with a cyclist this morning, he did stray rather far into the pedestrian lane in the covered bridge across the motorway at the SECC, much too close to the big man for anyone's liking, and he did make a sharp exit just after I told him how much of a cunt I thought he was but, annoyingly, just before I could ram my size 12 right shoe up his overworked fundament and dump his shiny, wheeled, li'l cock substitute over Bell's Bridge into the Clyde. Rest assured, I will be seeing you tomorrow, mate - anyone know where I can rent a 1970 Chevy Nova on the quick ??? It's only death proof for the driver, baby... B-)

Mood wasn't helped by Hamilton getting drawn away to Dundee United in the quarter finals of the CIS Cup... bah, so much for Hampden, the Arabs have a l-o-n-g history of riding Accies, I fear we're on to plums yet again- a shame really as a home draw versus 'Well would have been ace, and practically a bye to boot... ;-)

Quelle Frappe ! Quelle Frappe !

Countryside View (Close)

A sight to gladden one's heart... Piers Morgan riding a Segway, going arse over tit and breaking three ribs. Shame it wasn't his neck but, still, you've got to take your thrills where you can get them...


Stay tuned, folks, the much requested Simon Cowell - Bull Elephant technicolor anal violation clip will be coming along ASAP!!!

That Was The Week That Was

Up The Hoops!

Way-hey! Last week was a bit of a brammer, got up to loads of different things under cover of (at times) some very nice weather. Off work for most of it as well, splendid.

• Started playing footy again last Monday and didn't make a complete arse of myself - many thanks to Breza, Paulo, Fraser et al for their kind attendance. Such care in the community schemes are virtually the only thing these days that can tempt the old fella away from his sofa, the neighbour, and the binoculars...

• Continuing on a football theme, Accies are still unbeaten atop the first division as I type with a mightily impressive 100% record. At last the bookies are now taking them seriously as title contenders but not before old Uncle Mex got his foot in the door at 14-1... Would gladly have toddled along to see them ride Thistle at Firhill last Saturday but was otherwise engaged (q.v.). Also, apparently a couple of clubs from Glesga did quite well during the week and qualified for some European league thing but I'm not quite up to speed on junior football so we'll say nowt more, eh ?
  

• Was in London on Wednesday helping some friends out with research (not on Labrador cloning, Dave) that they were doing but somehow managed to make a total balls up of my main mission... visiting the giant squid on display at the natural history museum. Bugger! I'm going down again to see Rush in October so will have to make a date with it then... what? Stop that laughing at the back!

• Saw a fantastic little movie at the GFT last Thursday, Daft Punk's Electroma. Beautifully shot retro futuristic weirdness with zero dialogue, a DP special wacked-out ambient electro disco soft rawk pastiche soundtrack, and rampant echoes of Westworld abounding. Skimpy little plot, and probably a little too long but I'm so glad I caught it. Modern Sci-fi cinema needs a bolt from left field to kick it up the bracket...

Connect Four

Went to the Connect festival on Saturday up at Inverary Castle by Loch Fyne. Different type of thing from my usual festival attendance habits... but, I have to say, it really was utterly blooming ace. What a fantastically beautiful venue for starters. The weather was a bit single fish but the setting looked arguably all the better for it, the moments of gloom giving off that classic old Scottish melancholic feel with the mist rolling in over the green hills. The crowd was pretty damn cool as well, a healthy mix of gender and ages with a lovely benign and friendly feel about it - T in the Park without the wankers, as one wag on the bus put it. Huge amount of gorgeous indie chicks in attendance, always a good thing for the general ambience. A seriously well laid on event, too, plenty of interesting festival stalls, a great (and wide) selection of food and bevvy, and close proximity to the beautiful little village on the shores.

Anyway, I ostensibly went to see the Moggies near the top of the bill at the end of the night... and they were pretty feckin' sensational as they always are, tho' the outdoor setting didn't really help them out in their mission of quiet-loud-quiet-loud aural destruction as the wind and rain and wide open spaces do tend to get in the way (BTW, much thanks must go to the lovely young folk standing beside me who kindly passed me the bong helped keep the spirits high during the set). Anyway, they were worth the admission price on their own if you ask me so everything else was a bonus...

For the rest of the time, I caught a good old mix of a few other different sounds as well while I was up there. The Divine Comedy were most entertaining and pretty funny to boot, Four Tet with Steve Reid in the dance tent was fairly, erm, interesting (and at least some of the time in a good way), and the Rilo Kiley were way better than I expected any relatively recent NME cover stars to be- I have to say at this point that their lovely singer Jenny has a really great voice and a marvellous set of pins, always a winning combination for me...

Anyway, if it's on next year, I will be back, it's an absolute must. Christ, if they could just huckle King Crimson or Can onto the bill, I'd be in absolute hog heaven. Seriously.

Made with the help of -

Black Sabbath "Asbury Park 1975" (Bootleg) - A glorious racket for playing while on a bus, on the A83, at two o'clock on a Sunday morning. Perfect.

I've Got a Golden Ticket !!!

Yes, it's true! I have! It came through in the post on Saturday...



In keeping with the Willie Wonka allusion, Sabbath Heaven and Hell themselves will be featuring a singer who could quite easily be mistaken for a wee Oompa-Loompa...

The rain in (erm, North Berwick) falls mainly on the plane(s)...

Had a lovely day out last Saturday at the Museum of Flight over at East Fortune to watch their annual air show. Beautiful little place doing sterling work looking after marvellous old planes, it's a wee slice of heaven for anyone with lurking jet-boy propeller-head tendencies (guilty). The weather was half decent (for the most part), the bacon butties were tasty, tho', sadly, the doughnuts were scandalously AWOL... I worship and adore the old kites they have on static display and in bits in the maintenance hanger. In fact, I still get a cheap thrill from walking by the huge Vulcan bomber that they have sitting outside the main building (sighs)... what a commotion that old girl would have made in her heyday...

Anyway, as for the show, the Red Arrows are always good fun and there was plenty of old prop goodness (including a wonderful old Lancaster) but, for me, the undisputed highlights where elsewhere... For starters, a mighty, twin rotored Chinook gave a rare air show performance for us and it truly was an extraordinary sight... like some ungainly Glasgow bus being dangled around the sky on two strings by an unseen, celestial puppet master. How the hell does it stay in the air? Beautiful noise it made, too, like some giant bizarro stealth Flymo. No, really. The other wonder was the Typhoon, which came on right at the end of the day as the heavens opened up and the rain started hissing down. What a glorious racket it made, especially when the hammer was being put down, a sound like the very fabric of the sky itself being ripped apart. In fact, it moved so much air that half a dozen alarms went off in the car park as it made its nearest low level pass. That awesome, bassy roar it eminated when at full tilt scythed its way mercilessly through the chests of the agog spectators, a feeling going so deep that it shook their very ancestors right down to their bones, I tell you... Give me a live album of that every week... Heavy metal bursting through the sky indeed...

BTW, that pic I've posted isn't one of mine, sadly. I did buy myself a camera recently but have been struggling to get to grips with it. Yes, yes, the lens keeps steaming up when I try and snap my favourite subject, har de har. Ach, f*** it, insert your own tripod jokes here...

Made with the help of -

Galaga '88 - Super cutesy graphics, ridiculously silly sound effects, some lovely music, gormless little aliens saying "Ohto ohto!" to you, and the inevitable classic old skool shooter game play, that's galactic dancin' for ya! What's not to love ?

Hmm, I've had that same problem with flaps myself....

No, that isn't a pic of the latest big game I've shot hanging from the wall in the trophy room here in the fortress of bolloxtude - it's a pic of a silly big dog that got its silly big teddy bear head caught in a cat flap. I've been very remiss in posting those stories of canine stupidity that I'd previously promised my readers before so hopefully this will go some way to redressing the balance...



Speaking of tight, little flaps with a black, furry protrusion (pah, why go for the double entendre when a single one can do so much better ?) my lovely Bavarian neighbour was nicking about in the altogether yet again this morning. Marvellous. I was down at the local library a bit later and contemplated picking up a book I spotted,"German in fifteen minutes". Fifteen minutes ??? I'd only need two minutes. At most. To paraphrase Alan B'stard - "Two minutes ? I'm not doing it twice !!!"

Made with the help of -

Robert Fripp "Exposure" - Tee hee, see what I did there ??? Anyway, far too good an album to be relegated to use as a mere pun on a throwaway blog entry...